[[A drawing of a phone is shown here. Numerous features are pointed out. It is called THE XKCD PHONE 3, We Made Another One®™]]

Listing of features:
Boneless
Ear screen
Heartbeat accelerator
MobilePay money clip
Siri, or whoever it was we put in here
Instead of being on surface only, screen goes all the way through
Theknot.com partnership: phone licensed to perform wedding ceremonies and does so at random.
Fingerprint randomizer.
USB E (hotswappable)
Waterproof, but can drown.
Foretold by prophecy
Runs natively
Wristband
Wireless discharging
Magnetic stripe
Two AA batteries (not included)

{{Title text: If you're not completely satisfied with the phone after 30 days, we will return you to your home at no cost.}}