[[A woman and black hat guy sit at desks, their backs to each other, each using a laptop.]]
Woman: Ever hear of the Kola borehole? 
Black hat guy: No - what's that? 
Woman: A Soviet project to drill deap into the earth's crust. 

[[The woman turns around; we see her head and shoulders.]]
Woman: There's a hoax report claiming that their drill broke through into a superhot cavern, and when they lowered a microphone into the hole, they heard tormented screaming. People say that's why the miners sealed the well and abandoned the project.

[[The woman turns back to her laptop.]]
Black hat guy: Why would anyone believe that story? 
Woman: I guess some people think Hell is literally an underground place. 

[[Black hat guy turns around and addresses the woman.]]
Black hat guy: No - I mean, why would the miners seal the opening? Why not just dig a canal connecting it to the ocean? Unless they like Hell.

[[The woman turns back around.]]
Woman: ... If there's ever a war between earth and Hell, I hope I'm on your side. 
Black hat guy: You seem nice; you probably won't be. 

{{Title text: Tonight's top story: Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, died in his home this morning at the age of [unintelligible rune]. Due to the large number of sharks inhabiting his former kingdom, no body could be recovered.}}